An Open Letter To New Moms

Okay, so here it is. In all its glory. Exactly what I think of parenting.

The Prompts:

1.) Open letter to new moms.

(inspired by Tiffany from The Secret Is In The Sauce).

Dear Foolish Young Soul:

Please know that while you are terribly excited and scared right now, soon, so very soon, you will hold your wee bundle in your shaking, nervous arms.

And please know that all your fears are about to come true.

He or she will poop and puke on you. But really, those are the least of your problems. That babe is going to keep you up nights, and you're not going to know why. You won't know what the hell is wrong when she is screaming her fool little head off. When her little privates are red and swollen and look like they hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, let me tell you here and now, they do, and short of letting her lay out buck naked and trying every diaper rash cream on the market, there's not a thing you can do about it.

But then she falls asleep in your arms, and she's snoring just a little bit, and you'll forgive her for peeing on your carpet.

Then they get a little older, and have ZERO social awareness. They won't care if they are in church or WalMart. They won't give a hoot that everyone on the entire planet is looking at them ... and YOU ... and thinking "Thank the good Lord above I am not the parent of THAT!"

And then, one rainy day, you'll come out of the grocery store and see her looking at a puddle. Just staring at it like a grown woman looks at a diamond ring. And you'll tell her to go ahead and jump in. Running shoes and all. And she'll look at you with great big eyes, like you are the best mom in the world. Trust me, stripping down a kid who just spent five minutes clomping around in a puddle the size of the ocean, and driving home with her giggling because she's buck naked in her booster seat, makes you forget the candy tantrum she had in the store just moments before.

When she's 7, she'll pick her nose on stage during the school play and she'll go to church in a cute little dress with no panties on. She'll swear at a kid during recess and you get hauled into the office, you'll want to disown her right there and then.

But later on, at bedtime, she'll read to you in a sing-song little voice, with her bony little shoulders moving and grooving to her own little beat, and you'll be convinced that the other kid started it - and even had it comin'.

The sad news, though, is that the precious little bundle that amazes you now, will one day turn into a typical teenager. She'll tell you to shut up. She'll be on the phone all the time, IF she's home. Her room will be trashed. She won't help with the dishes. She's just plain old mean and angry all. the. time.

I'm sure there will be a positive spin to put to this later. I just don't know it yet. Right now I'm thinking the reward, like the snoring baby, the giggling puddle jumper, and the reader, will be when the teenager moves out.

But I'll be sure to post another open letter when I know how it turns out. It's a thing of nightmares right now.

Just enjoy these little years. They are truly the best. And if you figure out a cure for teenopathy or learn a thing or two about bitchology, please, for the love of God...help me.

Wordful Wednesday

This is the picture that inspired my Wordful Wednesday.

And my poll on the sidebar.

On Sunday we went to a local restaurant for a buffet lunch for my Uncle's 70th birthday.

Thankfully my parents helped out, and Leon was at work. Otherwise I would never have been able to afford it.

The kicker is that the bill included tip.

The food was alright. But the food doesn't make the tip.

The service does.

And the service sucked.

We sat in a room, with dishes piled around us, empty water glasses and no one in sight to ask if we needed anything. It was a buffet. We served ourselves. And nobody spoon-fed me. Which is kind of what I would have expected, seeing as they weren't doing anything else for a tip.

I got the bill for me, Cassie and Liv, and it came to a whopping $69!! (The fact that Liv ate 1/2 a french toast and one chocolate covered marshmallow is beside the point, I suppose....)

I couldn't figure out how it came to so much, and so I inspected the bill. It included a $9 service charge. Which was, I gathered, their tip.

In hindsight, I should have left my money for the buffet, and not the tip. They can't FORCE me to pay a tip, especially at a buffet, right? (No, seriously ... Am I right?)

When you factor in all the tip they made in our little party of about 15 or 20, for no services rendered, they made out pretty sweet. Almost as sweet as the chocolate fountain, in fact.

Which was exactly why I giggled just a little bit when I found Liv huddled up to the chocolate fountain, eating right there, handful of chocolate strawberry after handful of chocolate covered marshmallow!!

Had I been thinking, I would have joined her.

(And a note to my fellow Edmontonians, I don't recommend the Moose Factory. And if you DO go there, don't add a tip to the bill like my mom did earlier in the week, not realizing it was included. Because they will NOT be honest with you when you try to tip them again. Dinner for three was $150!!!! Including both tips.)

Now, go vote on my poll, wouldja?

And then go back to the next person on Awesome Angie's Wordful Wednesday post!

Suddenly The Brain Is Wondering: "Where The Hell Did My Blood Supply Just Go??"

Wow, did I get a kick out of reading this.

They seriously did a "study" on how our brains function when we are

• Interupted by a person of the opposite sex
• Interupted by an attractive person of the opposite sex, and
• Interupted by an attractive person of the opposite sex that is found to be attractive by the "study" participant.

Is anyone else wondering why the hell funds would be wasted on a study such as this? Should we not already have guessed at the outcome?

Seriously, what will they think of next??

Oh, by the way, women passed with flying colours.

You. Do. Not. Intimidate. Us.

Just sayin'.

In The Words Of My Daughter - FML

Trip to Seattle - check

Cheerleading and soccer - check

A million bingos - check

Trip to Florida - check

A miserable daughter that nothing will ever be good enough for - check

Fully supportive of plans to strike out on her own and on her own dime - check

Feminine Hygiene - Day 2 GUYS...WATCH THIS!

This commercial ROCKS!!!



So, just why are they so scared of these things? Are you telling me that as little boys they didn't take the paper off the back of maxipads and stick them to the mirrors, wall, and each other?



....Such ninnies!! lol

The Common Secret That No One Wants To Talk About (Guys, go away)

Huh? Hell, I'll talk about it!!!

Urinary incontinence.

There! I said it!

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. We cannot push out children and expect to NOT be affected in some way.

Stress incontinence affects nearly all women who have had children. Some worse than others, of course, but for the most part, we moms can no longer jump on trampolines, skip rope, cough, sneeze, laugh or run.

For example, one time at a party I was standing chatting with someone and discovered something that DID embarrass me, though. And I don't embarrass easily these days!

I had bronchitis and coughed pretty constantly. After about 10 minutes or so, I realized that every time I had to cough, I would cross my legs. I wouldn't just squeeze my thighs together. No. No. No. That wouldn't have been near as horrifying. I would actually cross my right leg over my left and THEN squeeze.

Shit.

How could the whole room NOT have noticed that? From that moment, I decided to go and sit down and pee on my friend's couch instead. (Lynne, I'm KIDDING!)

I have had several laughs with my very good friend about these situations. She is actually looking into surgery for the problem, to which I say, good. You go first and let me know how totally awful it is. Then I'll consider it.

I've tried kegels and weight loss and dehydration. Truth is, my body "down under" is just plain old tired.

I am not ashamed to tell you that I actually protect myself from these horrible situations now. I would much rather support the feminine hygeine companies than leave a freakin' wet spot.

Now I play soccer, kick box, zumba, run, cough, sneeze belly laugh and skip rope to my heart's content.

I'm not letting something as silly as my bladder stop me from living life to the fullest. And I'm definitely not afraid to talk about it.

For I am WOMAN. Hear me ROAR. (With legs tightly crossed, of course!)

Grand Champion Cheer Team

Our Victoria co-ed cheer team has been in Florida since Thursday. They competed this weekend (in a category by themselves unfortunately) and got .... drumroll please.....

First place!! lol

They did get the highest marks of the competition, so are truly grand champions!!

Unfortunately the weather isn't cooperating and they have been getting rained on. I'm hoping that Disney World weather will be fabulous and they will enjoy their last couple of days there.

Of note: Asia phoned today (OMG I so do NOT want to get her hotel room phone bill!) and Liv answered and started crying saying that she missed her "A". (For those who don't know, that is what she has called Asia since she was just wee.) By the time I got the phone I had two weeping little girls! Sadly, I give "A" five minutes once she is home before telling Liv to shut up and making sure she knows how totally annoying she is. Sigh....

Six Word Saturday

Spending

Today

Enjoying

The

Beautiful

Weather

Virginity, I hereby reclaim you!

Yes, you heard me.

Not that giving it away the first time was such a spectacular moment, you understand.

But because I CAN!

Young girls these days have found a way to take back that horrible drunken moment wherein they gave away that precious commodity to some random little dork that they just met.

They just reclaim it. Verbally.

"Virginity! I reclaim you!"

And then they can give it away again.

I know. I’ve said it before.

Teenage girls are dumb.

Just. Plain. Dumb.

We no longer have to, or can, get on a boy’s case for being a horny little piglet. They are little pigs because girls let them be so.

So if at some point you wish to reclaim your virginity, or it becomes so amazingly popular, or science deems this actually doable after years of research, remember:

You heard it here first.

Is This How You Would Feel If I Came Back To Blogging?