In The Words Of My Daughter - FML

Trip to Seattle - check

Cheerleading and soccer - check

A million bingos - check

Trip to Florida - check

A miserable daughter that nothing will ever be good enough for - check

Fully supportive of plans to strike out on her own and on her own dime - check

Feminine Hygiene - Day 2 GUYS...WATCH THIS!

This commercial ROCKS!!!



So, just why are they so scared of these things? Are you telling me that as little boys they didn't take the paper off the back of maxipads and stick them to the mirrors, wall, and each other?



....Such ninnies!! lol

The Common Secret That No One Wants To Talk About (Guys, go away)

Huh? Hell, I'll talk about it!!!

Urinary incontinence.

There! I said it!

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. We cannot push out children and expect to NOT be affected in some way.

Stress incontinence affects nearly all women who have had children. Some worse than others, of course, but for the most part, we moms can no longer jump on trampolines, skip rope, cough, sneeze, laugh or run.

For example, one time at a party I was standing chatting with someone and discovered something that DID embarrass me, though. And I don't embarrass easily these days!

I had bronchitis and coughed pretty constantly. After about 10 minutes or so, I realized that every time I had to cough, I would cross my legs. I wouldn't just squeeze my thighs together. No. No. No. That wouldn't have been near as horrifying. I would actually cross my right leg over my left and THEN squeeze.

Shit.

How could the whole room NOT have noticed that? From that moment, I decided to go and sit down and pee on my friend's couch instead. (Lynne, I'm KIDDING!)

I have had several laughs with my very good friend about these situations. She is actually looking into surgery for the problem, to which I say, good. You go first and let me know how totally awful it is. Then I'll consider it.

I've tried kegels and weight loss and dehydration. Truth is, my body "down under" is just plain old tired.

I am not ashamed to tell you that I actually protect myself from these horrible situations now. I would much rather support the feminine hygeine companies than leave a freakin' wet spot.

Now I play soccer, kick box, zumba, run, cough, sneeze belly laugh and skip rope to my heart's content.

I'm not letting something as silly as my bladder stop me from living life to the fullest. And I'm definitely not afraid to talk about it.

For I am WOMAN. Hear me ROAR. (With legs tightly crossed, of course!)

Grand Champion Cheer Team

Our Victoria co-ed cheer team has been in Florida since Thursday. They competed this weekend (in a category by themselves unfortunately) and got .... drumroll please.....

First place!! lol

They did get the highest marks of the competition, so are truly grand champions!!

Unfortunately the weather isn't cooperating and they have been getting rained on. I'm hoping that Disney World weather will be fabulous and they will enjoy their last couple of days there.

Of note: Asia phoned today (OMG I so do NOT want to get her hotel room phone bill!) and Liv answered and started crying saying that she missed her "A". (For those who don't know, that is what she has called Asia since she was just wee.) By the time I got the phone I had two weeping little girls! Sadly, I give "A" five minutes once she is home before telling Liv to shut up and making sure she knows how totally annoying she is. Sigh....

Six Word Saturday

Spending

Today

Enjoying

The

Beautiful

Weather

Virginity, I hereby reclaim you!

Yes, you heard me.

Not that giving it away the first time was such a spectacular moment, you understand.

But because I CAN!

Young girls these days have found a way to take back that horrible drunken moment wherein they gave away that precious commodity to some random little dork that they just met.

They just reclaim it. Verbally.

"Virginity! I reclaim you!"

And then they can give it away again.

I know. I’ve said it before.

Teenage girls are dumb.

Just. Plain. Dumb.

We no longer have to, or can, get on a boy’s case for being a horny little piglet. They are little pigs because girls let them be so.

So if at some point you wish to reclaim your virginity, or it becomes so amazingly popular, or science deems this actually doable after years of research, remember:

You heard it here first.

Is This How You Would Feel If I Came Back To Blogging?

My First Vlog

Hopefully this will work. I've never tried to upload a video before.

Things you need to know before viewing:

1) Liv actually sang this song before we figured out how to video her. Once we got it to work she forgot some of the very important words. At this point you will hear me helping her. Tee hee...

2) If you watch VERY CAREFULLY at the beginning, you will see me trying to get myself out of the way before the recording starts, but I trip over the dollhouse behind me. We played it and played it and played it after and had ourselves a grand time laughing at myself. I actually "oofed" while I was tripping and stumbling. Not my finest moment.

3) If you happen to see me on there at all, please note that our webcam adds 30 pounds. Just FYI.

The Real Reason I Don't Want To Be The Other Woman

I remember watching Disney movies and fairytales as a kid. I remember being sad that Bambi's mom died. Other than that, though, I don't recall being scared by the movies. Why is that?

Cindarella is orphaned and abused by her step-mother and step-sisters.

Snow White's step-mother tries to kill her.

Hansel and Gretal were "misplaced" by their father because of their step-mother.

Ariel and Jasmine don't even HAVE mothers, nor are they ever mentioned.

There was no mother figure in Pinocchio either.

Belle does not have a mother.

Nemo's mother is killed.

While it is sad, perhaps we should celebrate a dad getting knocked off in The Lion King?

Tarzan is orphaned AND his new dad hates him!

Why are we not haunted by these stories?

And why on earth would any woman want to be a step-mother? Holy cow, Disney has given "the other woman" a bad name!

We saw How To Train Your Dragon yesterday in a sneak preview. LOVED IT BTW!! However, Hiccup's mother, also, was nowhere to be found. BECAUSE SHE WAS DEAD!!!

Hey Disney..... Cut it out already! I'm an adult now and the thought of DYING and leaving my kids orphaned to some step-monster totally freaks me out!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen!

Wow. Asia is sweet 16 today! Can you believe it?

16 years ago I was a very scared gal who sat outside

another very scared young lady's labour room while

she screamed for her mother. I frantically told my nurses

that I changed my mind. I didn't want to do this anymore.

Gawd. I wonder how many times they hear THAT in a day's work?

I went home that night after a full day's prep only to

discover my water broke and I was going to have to

go back to the hospital. I swore Leon to secrecy,

because he wanted to phone everyone under the sun

about what was goingon. "What if I just peed my pants??"

There is enough female humiliation involved in child birth,

so I was trying to save myself where I could. They assured

me when we got there that I was, in fact, a keeper.

They gave me something to help me sleep that night

because they wanted to let "it" happen on it's own.

Unfortunately, they didn't realize that the drugs

they gave me were going to scare me into doing the

absolute opposite, which meant I was up phoning my

friends at 3:00 in the morning because I was bored.

Nice, huh?

They ended up inducing me because Miss Asia had

pooped in utero. 13 hours later, a very bluish-purple,

tiny little being joined the world. She had a pointy little head,

a huge, flat nose, and wisps of black hair.

I remember when they laid her on my tummy. I was thinking

"OhGod!Thisissupposedtobeabeautifulmoment!ThisissoNOTabeautifulmoment!Getitoff!"

Then they took her to bathe her and I stayed in my bed in a

post-epidural paralyzed state being angry and cussing beyond

belief because I was stuck and nobody would help me

get up and watch her get her bath. I was stuck in a room

with a nurse who didn't give a shit that EVERYONE left to

see MY baby and I was stuck here. Bitch could have

helped me into a wheelchair so I could see too!

But, happily, by the time I got to my room Asia was

nice and clean, her head had taken on more of a human

shape and her little nose had popped out. She had tiny

little perfect features.

So. Damned. Cute!