Although it was talked about yesterday, by this morning my brain had forgotten that we have a sad anniversary to talk about today. It wasn't until I was checking my facebook this morning that it dawned on me. I scrolled down my home page quickly, and suddenly saw a profile picture that I recognized.
It was Shelley.
(Shelley and my brother. It was his profile picture that was of Shelley today.)
And I'm a little weirded out to tell you that my very first thought (please remember that it was 5:30 in the morning and I was going on four hours sleep...) was "Wow! Shelley's playing Mafia Wars??"
But, alas, no. She's not.
Unless that's what they do in Heaven.
If you are new here and you'd like to catch up, you can read about Shelley here, my portion of her eulogy is here, and my thoughts here. I'm a little sad that I expect that there will be a year when this day will come and go without a second thought from me. I know it means that we've healed and moved on. I know that it is a healthy, natural occurance. But I dread it. I don't look forward to the guilt I will feel when I realize that I have forgotten the horror of this day.
Three years ago this morning Buddy left for work. Shelley likely slept in a little bit. She got up and maybe had some tea. Maybe not.
Three years ago this morning, Shelley filled out some paperwork that she had been putting off.
Three years ago this afternoon she prepared herself. She let the cat outside. She took out what she would need. When she had purchased this and where she hid it, we'll never know.
Three years ago, she went into their basement and did what she had been wanting to do for a long time.
If you had ever heard her laugh, this would surprise you.
If you had ever known her laid back, easy going nature, this would shock you.
If you lived in denial, like me, you would see her profile picture and think that she is, in fact, playing Mafia Wars on Facebook.
But this didn't surprise my brother. He came home to find the cat outside and a quiet house.
Three years ago, he came home to what he knew was coming.
He tore threw the house, calling her name, knowing she had a good reason for not answering him.
He knew, but the doctors wouldn't listen.
Three years ago, Shelley fell through the cracks, crevices and canyons of our health care system.
Three years ago, Shelley's actions rocked our world as we knew it.
Three years ago, my family hugged each other and cried.
Three years ago, we started planning our first funeral.
We love you Shelley and miss you so much!!