My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Three Years

I had a post all planned out in my wee little brain. It was going to be about the Kenny Chesney / Taylor Swift concert. I was going to wow you with my comic wit! Well, my friends, you'll have to wait until Monday for that, I'm afraid.

Although it was talked about yesterday, by this morning my brain had forgotten that we have a sad anniversary to talk about today. It wasn't until I was checking my facebook this morning that it dawned on me. I scrolled down my home page quickly, and suddenly saw a profile picture that I recognized.

It was Shelley.

(Shelley and my brother. It was his profile picture that was of Shelley today.)

And I'm a little weirded out to tell you that my very first thought (please remember that it was 5:30 in the morning and I was going on four hours sleep...) was "Wow! Shelley's playing Mafia Wars??"

But, alas, no. She's not.

Unless that's what they do in Heaven.

If you are new here and you'd like to catch up, you can read about Shelley
here, my portion of her eulogy is here, and my thoughts here. I'm a little sad that I expect that there will be a year when this day will come and go without a second thought from me. I know it means that we've healed and moved on. I know that it is a healthy, natural occurance. But I dread it. I don't look forward to the guilt I will feel when I realize that I have forgotten the horror of this day.

Three years ago this morning Buddy left for work. Shelley likely slept in a little bit. She got up and maybe had some tea. Maybe not.

Three years ago this morning, Shelley filled out some paperwork that she had been putting off.

Three years ago this afternoon she prepared herself. She let the cat outside. She took out what she would need. When she had purchased this and where she hid it, we'll never know.

Three years ago, she went into their basement and did what she had been wanting to do for a long time.

If you had ever heard her laugh, this would surprise you.

If you had ever known her laid back, easy going nature, this would shock you.

If you lived in denial, like me, you would see her profile picture and think that she is, in fact, playing Mafia Wars on Facebook.

But this didn't surprise my brother. He came home to find the cat outside and a quiet house.

Three years ago, he came home to what he knew was coming.

He tore threw the house, calling her name, knowing she had a good reason for not answering him.

He knew, but the doctors wouldn't listen.

Three years ago, Shelley fell through the cracks, crevices and canyons of our health care system.

Three years ago, Shelley's actions rocked our world as we knew it.

Three years ago, my family hugged each other and cried.

Three years ago, we started planning our first funeral.

We love you Shelley and miss you so much!!

Go see Candid Carrie for more participants!


Michelle said...

AH, Rhonda, I know first hand how hard suicide is. I'm sorry for your loss.

Aunt Julie said...

Rhonda. This poignant post made me cry! Thank you for the lovely tribute. I can tell by this piece that you loved Shelley very much...

wy-not said...

Hey babe. This is a lovely tribute to a lovely young lady who deserves such tributes. I don't think we'll ever forget this day. As long as there are those of us around to remember it, our hearts will go back to the memory. We'll mark it in Buddy's honour and in Shelley's honour. May she rest in peace, until we meet again.

WackyMummy said...

That's so sad! It's horrible that no-one could help her. Her best memorial is the awareness that you're promoting... lifting the silence. =(

Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing the life of a beautiful woman with all of us!! You may not know it, but you have changed someone's life out there just by telling her story.

Bethany said...

What a beautiful post in remembrance of Shelley. She sounds like a wonderful woman who left Earth too early. Praying for you on the anniversary of her death.

Melissa said...

Wow....what a touching post!!! I am very sorry for your (and your family's) loss!! I too have lost someone close to me because of suicide...someone who could've been helped, but was pushed aside!! Very tragic!!

Ness said...

I am sitting here crying. Your Eulogy was beautiful. Your rememberance of her is inspiring. I hope that it has helped another in the same position get the help that Shelley needed too.
You write so beautifully.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I remember reading about this before. Such a tragedy. How is your brother doing now?