First and foremost, let me tell you how proud I am of you. You surround yourself with crazy, freaky people doing crazy, freaky things, and yet, you do none of it yourself. Your mouth goes before your brain most times, but you do stop and think before you act, which keeps you on the straight and narrow.
That said, I do now feel the need to explain a few things to you. Listen closely:
1. Contrary to what you and your friends believe, your mama ain’t dumb. (Don’t worry though. I was way smarter than your Gramma, and many others, back then too, so it would appear you’re perfectly normal.) I’ve walked a day or two in your shoes, albeit in a different generation. Some things are harder for you, but others are just the same. For example:
a. Junior high girls are bitches. (True to this day!!)
b. Keep your nose out of OPB! (“Other People’s Business.” We had our own cool acronyms in our day, too, you know!)
c. Don’t let your thong panties show above the waistband of your pants. (Oh no, wait. That one is specific to your generation!)
2. As much as you try to blame me for it, I am not responsible for scheduling badminton, baseball, soccer and cheerleading all on the same nights. Although, perhaps I should have warned you that life’s difficult decisions would begin at some point, rest assured that as long as we both come to the same conclusion in regard to prioritizing your life, all will be good in our world.
3. Talking (yelling) about how grown up you are and then rolling your eyes, stomping your feet and slamming doors is a total contradiction. You should stop that.
4. You really need to watch what you are eating, without becoming a walking eating disorder statistic, that is. I don’t want you to have my issues later in your own life. And issues like mine are happening to people younger and younger these days. Just be careful, that’s all. And for the love of all that is Holy, don’t eat nachos and cheese, with a side of white toast, waffles and chocolate before bed. That might be a good place to start a change of habit.
Okay, I’m done now. Have a great day at school. And yes, I’ll email all your coaches and let them know when they will be graced with your presence. And yes, I’ll pick up your grad dress after school. And yes, I’ve confirmed with Devyn when and where I will be picking him up. And yes, I will pick up Friday the 13th for you and your friends tonight. And yes, I will pick up some snacks.
Thank you for allowing me to do all this for you. It is a privilege, you can be sure.