We have this delightful african themed shower curtain in our downstairs bathroom. I mean, it is GREAT! There is no nakedness showing through. It's dark, so it hides the grime and grunge that is a daily shower for five people. (Unfortunately it also hides the grunge and grime from these tired eyes, so rarely gets cleaned! Ugh!)
Anyway, this shower curtain is black and brown. It is perfect.
Only one problem with it. The spiders also love it. They can hide their ugly little bodies in the folds of that black and brown shower curtain. I have taken to showering in my crocqs so that if I see one, I can hopefully (and in my fantasy world - oh, wait. In my fantasy world there ARE no spiders!) spray him with water, he falls to the bottom of the shower in that ugly little ball they curl up in and then I squish him like a bug!!!!
Only it never actually happens that way.
It's been a little while since a spider had come to call. By that I mean maybe a week! They love my shower curtain THAT much! So, of course, this fine morning, I decided to leave the crocqs off and actually shock my feet with a bar of soap. (Sorry, I totally should have warned you, this is not a story for the weak!)
And of course, this fine morning, I have a visitor.
I was just about to put my head back and wash out my shampoo when I saw it. He was crawling up the curtain.
I gasped so fast and so furiously that I'm surprised I didn't suck that little bugger in like a vacuum cleaner!!
And then I ran.
In all my glory.
And I stood there looking at the shower curtain.
I didn't know what the heck to do. In order to get this thing, I have to get back into the shower with it.
So I grabbed a cup, and put a towel on my shampooed hair. I slipped into my crocqs (after first checking to make sure he hadn't brought a friend) and snuck back in. Like, I'm talking tippy-toed in.
Like he's gonna care, right?
Do spiders even have any friggin' ears?
So I'm back in the shower with this thing, my crocqs, a cup of water, my towel on my head and all my naked glory and I threw the cup of water at him.
And then I ran.
And I stood across the enemy line, just looking at the curtain again.
Crap. I don't see him back-stroking down the drain.
Fill up the cup, and back in I go. On tippy-toe.
I can't find him!! I took each fold VERY carefully between two fingers and slowly peaked in. When I knew he wasn't there, I would open it up and go to the next fold.
When I had it almost all the way closed and I know that he's got to be in the next fold, out my peripheral vision I saw him. RIGHT FRIGGING IN FRONT OF MY FACE!
How the heck did he DO that??? I ran like my arse was on fire folks!
Then I debated waking up my husband. He'd kill me, but it would be a much better death than the one I was surely facing. My heart just couldn't take much more of this.
So now I have no choice. I take out the big guns. Lysol air freshener. I used this once when my BAM bathroom cleaner was all used up, and it works!!
By this time he's running for his life. He's up on top of the curtain and he'd hide again on the back and then he'd run up again.
Some of you might actually feel sorry for this thing. This evil creature. God's one and only mistake. But not me.
I sprayed that whole darned shower curtain. From the outside. I aimed it above and down so that I soaked that backside of it. I sprayed until I was certain that any and all talk of global warming would be COMPLETELY my fault!
And I watched for his ugly self to fall to the bottom of the shower. He never did.
By now, this ordeal has taken 20 minutes, I'm late leaving for work. I'm late waking my family. I'm still naked and I still have shampoo in my hair.
So I reached up very carefully. And I hauled that shower curtain down ring by ring. And then I dragged it out of my bathroom and threw it on the floor of my livingroom.
And then I saw it. The carcass. It stuck to the inside of the shower curtain. (Did I mention that I haven't cleaned that shower in a little while?) He was pretty dead. But I stomped him and smeared him anyway. Just to make me feel better.
And then I piled up the towels on the floor beside the shower, pushed myself and the spray as far as I could against the back wall, and showered without a curtain.
I woke my hubby up and told him to please look after the shower curtain that is laying on the rug. Wash it and put it in a bag. I never want to see it again. When he asked why keep it, I said it's a perfectly good shower curtain, thank you very much, and the girls can take it when they move out. (Remember, my girls are 14, 11 and 4?)
And today, folks, I went out to the store and bought a transparent shower curtain. Yes, I know that means I have to clean the shower regularly. Yes, I know that means that people will certainly get a fright if they barge in on me whilst I shower.
But I WILL see the next spider that is stupid enough to cross my path. And I WILL prevail!
And it was THIS BIG! And this is what I looked like, minus the clothes. (It was awkward.)