My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

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Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Okay, Now I'm Just Angry

I think I'm going about this in totally the wrong order, but whatever. I never have done things quite right. And I'm sure the subject of my ire will confirm that whole heartedly.
I'm angry.
I'm angry that she thinks she is such a victim.
I'm angry that she seems to hate us for no reason. (Unless you can consider opportunity, encouragement, love and a nice trip to Florida no reason.)
I'm angry that she is putting us through this.
I'm angry that she is just a selfish little brat who doesn't have a clue.
I'm angry that she thinks we owe her.
I'm angry that she can thrive in another woman's home while being nothing but hateful in mine.
I'm angry that we're having to put on smiles and pretend that everything is okay while our hearts are breaking.
I'm angry that she is still running my house when she no longer even lives in it.
I'm angry that she was so mean to her Dad when he was just going to the school to pay for HER bus pass.
I'm angry that she wants to use us and make demands and she thinks that this is okay.
I'm angry that she has told her Gramma and Godmother to leave her the hell alone.
I'm angry that she has so little respect for herself and her family.
I'm angry that she doesn't see that having friends who are okay with the way she is acting means that she needs to pick her friends better.
I'm angry because while she is happy as can be and apparently doing well, I can't see that for myself.
I'm angry that she has taught her sisters that running away is okay. Because it is so clearly not.
I'm angry that she phones just so she can pick fights and make demands and that she succeeds in making me feel lousy.
I'm angry that this is taking all my energy and the result is that I'm probably not the mother I should be to my other kids.
I'm angry.
I'm just plain old fucking angry.

12 comments:

Bree Shaw said...

i would be angry too. i can not even imagine how you are feeling. you have that love/hate/angry/hurt feelings all going on at the same time, i'm sure. hopefully one day she will see that what she has done is wrong and hopefully it won't be too late when she realizes it. hang in there and vent as much as possible. keeping it all bottled up can not be good for you! {hugs}

Sheila said...

I'm so sorry - you have every right to be ANGRY!!!
And as much as I hate to say....I was this girl before!!! God Bless my parents! I HATE how much I put them through!

wy-not said...

Babe, what Sheila said is so true. I believe that one day Asia will hate that she did this to all of you - and all of us! Oddly enough, I'm angry with her too. Not because she wants me to leave her the hell alone. But I am angry for what she's doing to MY little girl. And frankly, I told her so. She IS being selfish and hurtful and I hope she sees it soon! I love you. I love her. This all just hurts!

Betty said...

I´m so sorry Rhonda! Thinking of you!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

I think if she wants to be on her own, then quit paying for stuff. Quit allowing her to call and berate you - you wouldn't let others who aren't living in your home do that.

I think you need to truly give her the independence she desires, so you remove yourself from the role of shitty whipping boy.

Close your wallet to her directly (if you want to give money to the mom where she's staying, that's another thing). I would NOT be paying for her bus pass.

Don't let her run your house after she ran out.

Shunning is an effective strategy - don't give her any more power over you as you grieve and get past this terrible hurt.

My younger daughter left me and moved in with her dad, because I sucked so much as a mother. I totally understand.

It took us about two years to be able to talk to each other.

And I typed while I cried at work...it sucked so much.

Carrie said...

My heart is breaking for you all. Tough love seems tougher on the parents than the kid. I have to agree that maybe cutting her off may be the only way. As hard as we both know that is. But there is no right or wrong on how you handle this. Just know that you and your husand and other girls are still a family. And you all have friends that love you. If Asia reads this, I hope she knows that we all love her too and want nothing but the best for her...and the best is you. Much love.

Sonia said...

Rhonda, I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this! Asia made the choice to leave the family, and as heart breaking as that is, I agree with your other Blog readers... Let her face the consequences of leaving. Cut of her funds, and her visits to her sisters. She should not be able to walk in and out of their lives when she pleases. She has made a choice for herself, and until she is willing to be a part of the family, she should not have the opportunity to pick and choose who she sees.
I know I am not a parent myself, but I was once the angry teen, and I thank all the powers that be, that I had such hard assed parents.
Keep strong, she has no right to treat you, Leon and your mother with such disrespect! My heart is with you.

Jody L said...

Oh Rhonda,
I have tears running down my face as i type this as i feel your anguis and pain mixed with the anger. I have watched you guys give her everything plus more a child could want and believe me,YOU DONE GOOD! Its not your fault(s) or your parenting. Its her choices and desicions, but its your heart that breaks in the process.
Love you cousin, try to stay strong and day by day is all you can do......
:-(
xoxoxoxo

quiltcetera said...

Rhonda,
I am leaving this comment not as the mother of a child who has run away, but as a woman who once ran away from her own parents. At 17, I ran away, for silly selfish reasons. My parents did nothing for me after that point. Nothing. No money, no rides, no visits. It took me a while, but I ran out of energy, ran out of money, ran out of friends who's parents were willing to put up with my shit, and ran out of pride. I slinked home to my Mommy and Daddy, and cried my stupid selfish little heart out, and begged for forgiveness. Being the good parents they were, I was allowed back home, but ONLY if I followed their rules. I have to say, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and certainly made me appreciate what I had. I encourage you to do the same with Asia, as my parents did with me, and I wish with all my heart, that she gives her little teenager head a shake, and comes home where she belongs. Hugs to you, Leon, and the girls. Hang in there, it can only get better.
Bradie

angie said...

I'm so sorry, Rhonda.
XOXO.

Evi said...

It's the place she's put you in that would make me %$#& angry. I think you KNOW she needs that tough love but WHO...WHO...tell me actually wants to go through putting our babies through that...TRULY tough.
As much as they deserve TOUGH love and are acting like shitheads, they are still OUR babies and it would hurt WAY TOO much to send them back where they came from!

piecemeal people said...

I know I'm late to the game here, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this with your daughter. My oldest just turned 12 and these are the kinds of things I live in fear of...

Also, this really struck me: "I'm angry that she is still running my house when she no longer even lives in it." I KNOW that feeling. Not because of a child, but because of someone else...and it's a shit feeling. :(