My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

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Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Dear Santa

Language warning!! Language warning!! Language warning!!

Don't say I didn't warn you....

It is time for another edition of Thursdays with Kat!! She really pretty cool, especially late on a Wednesday night when you have writer's block.

This week's prompts:

1.) Verse by verse, dissect a favorite song you had in 7th grade. (Okay, one I remember from grade nine was Too Many Men!! lol Me and Char would sing it at the top of our lungs!! How totally inappropriate is that?? Grade seven, though, heck I was still into cabbage patch dolls!! lol)

2.) List 5 must have gifts you are purchasing for a loved one this Christmas. (And spoil the surprise?)

3.) Open letter to Santa Claus. (Oh, this is so mine!)

4.) Describe how you would celebrate the holidays if it was totally up to you and money was not a factor. (Easy. I can do it in three words: Tropical Tropical Tropical)

5.) Book review time! What winter read has you snuggled in and turning pages? (I did this one fairly recently and I will have another coming out next week.)

Let's begin, shall we?

Dear Santa:

My request this year is not for me. There are so many other needy people in the world. I don't technically NEED that awesome Bath and Body Works Vanilla Bean Christmas candle. I don't technically NEED the Biggest Loser Wii Fit game, because I don't yet have a Wii. I could use a lifetime supply of Slimweigh, but screw that noise!

This year, Santa, I want to think of others. One person in particular comes to mind.

This dumb-ass fuck face this morning seriously held up traffic while in the lane next to me, going about 15km under the speed limit. Then, wouldn't you know it, when his lane ended in a mandatory right turn, he just glided straight into my lane.

Being the incredibly considerate person I am (Okay, everyone who knows me can just quit laughing and get back on their damned chair now!! Sheesh!) I slowed down to let him in.

Suddenly, dumb-ass fuck face realized what he did, and S*T*O*P*P*E*D!! Right there in the only lane there was. Somehow he thought that this incredibly stupid move was going to save the day. Seriously??? Coming to an immediate stop in the lane you just illegally sidled into was a really bright idea, you idiot.

Now, even though he was clearly in the wrong, it is me that would get in trouble if I had hit him. So maybe, Santa, you could straighten out some of these "to cover stupid people's asses" traffic laws while you're at it, okay?

I pretty much knew he was an asshole at that point. And while we all waited for him to figure out what to do (uhhh, DUH!! DRIVE YOUR STUPID CAR!!) he rolled his window down a bit and lit himself a cigarette before he slowly started to creep forward.

Now, I'm not normally an ass-rider. Seriously. I do not want my insurance to go up just because I'm angry. But this time? I rode his ass harder than some of the scene's in my friend's gay soap opera.

He was all over our one scrawny little lane. He held up traffic trying to turn right up ahead by his swaying.

As I got closer, I realized the problem. He could not take two minutes and an old credit card to scrape his windows. His entire car was covered in frost! He couldn't see a damned thing!

I'm afraid visibility was an option for this dumb fuck. My safety wasn't much of an issue for him this morning, either. Nor is the cleanliness of our streets, as he threw his cigarette butt out the window in front of me.

When I finally got to go around him, I could barely see in his window, but I could see that he was hunched over his steering wheel, trying to see out of a tiny spot in the lower portion of his window where his defrost had started to work.

So that said, Santa, there are three things on my list for the poor soul.

1) General driving ability would be nice.

2) Even just a teensy amount of common sense.

3) An ice scraper.

It's not much. But, really, you have the power to save lives here. Because next time I see him driving like that .... I might just kill him.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!


Dan said...

You could have just asked for non-rime-y weather so that there would be no frost. Nah, that wouldn't be as much fun as sticking the scraper up a certain part of f***-face's anatomy. {*grin*}

Pumpkin Delight said...

Bwaaa Haaa Haaa!
That was great. Very nice if you to ask Santa for help. When I ecounter a f.f. while drive I never ask Santa to help them. You're way more patient than I am. :)

stopped by from mama's losin' it!

Betty said...

What an stupid, stupid person! Such a safety hazard not just for him, but for everyone! I think I would have killed him myself, if I was there!!

KK said...

So funny, that annoys me to no end! We don't even have frost here to blame it on!

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Love it. That dumb-@$$ deserved a lot worse, but you're being extremely generous today!

wy-not said...

Too bad you weren't an unmarked cop car. The f.f. would have been ticketed and justice would have been served. I really really really hate the bad driving that some people get away with! And I hate that there is never a traffic cop around when you need one.

panamamama said...

Love it!

wy-not said...

Ummm. I didn't mean that I wish you were a car. I meant that I wish you'd been a COP in an unmarked police car. Duh. Sometimes we say the dumbest things...

Rhonda said...

Uhhhh ...... We?? WE say the dumbest things? Are you implying that I might say dumb things too? Like, O-79?

islandrogue said...

I read this today (hope this link works) and thought of you, can't believe these dumb people are everywhere!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

I hope Santa brings the FF common sense this year...he's a danger!

Great post!

Blog Stalker said...

I can't say you didn't warn me. lol You summed up all my frustration at stupid FF drivers that always seem to find their way to end up in front of me.

Have a great day!