Thursday's Homework Assignment - We're Going Deep.

The Prompts:

1.) Define goodness...joy...sorrow...and anger using pictures you've taken.

2.) Tomorrow I will do it differently. Here's how...

3.)Describe a 'sound' from your childhood. What was it? When did you hear it? What does it bring to mind?

4.) I remember when...

5.) Right now is the best time to start. What's your first step?

I didn't even get past number 2. I have no idea what the others are, because I have no need to read further.

But you do. 

So please, read on... Some, or many, of you may be able to relate to what I am going to talk about.

Others will just once again be amazed and inspired by the depth to which I can sink myself.

I just glanced up to see what the other options were, and I see that today I can include number 5. They go hand in hand, really.

In January I started going to weight watchers. By the middle of April, I had dropped 25 pounds. I felt great. I looked better than I had for a long, long time. I was active. 

My friends, I was happy.

And then I fell off the wagon. 

To those of you who haven't quite figured it out yet, we're going to delve into what makes Rhonda, and her eating disorder, tick.

I'm not bulemic. I do binge, but not purge.

Nor am I anorexic. As my mother says, you have to be a special kind of stupid to not eat. And believe you me, my entire family is clearly NOT stupid! 

But I have an eating disorder just the same. It's called having no control. 

Some have named it the "What the hell effect". 

It's wanting to take the easy way out, by not having to plan or cook. 

But in the end, being fat isn't easy.

I have bad habits that go back to my childhood. And in turn, I am teaching my children those same habits.

I'm a fast food addict.

I'm a chocolate lover.

I'm a slurpee crazed woman who will annihilate anyone who gets in her way when it comes to empty calories. (Side thought; why do they call them "empty" calories, when they are clearly so full of bad?)

I have debated telling you about what I will eat in a day, when I'm cramming like a student the night before exams. When I vow I'll get back on track the next day. But it's frightening. And embarrassing.

I have debated telling you about how much money is spent on eating out, but my husband reads this and would probably kill me. (Oops. Too late. I love you, honey.)

When I am in the middle of an eating binge, I will seriously take whatever route I have to to get the stuff I want to eat.  I will stop at a couple places if necessary. And I will make sure I eat it before I get home.

I will hate myself while I am doing it. But I will do it anyway.

I will deny how bad I have really been.  (I took my garbage bag out of my van yesterday. That was an eye opener, because I only cleaned it out six days ago. It was fully of empty wrappers. I can't believe I'm sharing this much. Clearly, though, I should "share" more!!) 

I feel crappy.  I am starting to show, in my tummy, some of the weight I am putting back on. My skin is starting to get blotchy again. 

So, why do I do it?  

Goodness knows I'm not hungry. I haven't been hungry in weeks.

I don't have to be craving anything in particular.

All it takes is me.  Going into a store. Alone.

Me. Driving down the street. Alone.

Me. Home. Alone.

I'm going to try again to get back on track.  I have worked too hard to just gain this weight back in a month, especially when it took me four months to lose it!!  

I don't want to go back to hiding when I see someone I know. I want to hold my head high and greet them, not try to hurry by and feign surprise when they call me over.

I don't want to wear shirts that are three sizes too big.  I don't want to wear underwear that resemble circus tents.

I know I've made it sound like I've got a huge weight problem.  And I do. But I'm not hundreds of pounds overweight. At this point, I'm probably only about another 25 pounds over what the world says is my top number for my height. It's really quite attainable. 

But right now, it seems like a mountain I have to climb. A marathon I have to run. 

And sometimes I feel really unprepared.

But tomorrow, I will start posting back on my private blog. I'll make myself accountable again at Weight Watchers, and here. 

With you guys.  

My blog friends.

Go see Kat for more participants!