My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Thursday's Homework Assignment - We're Going Deep.

The Prompts:

1.) Define anger using pictures you've taken.

2.) Tomorrow I will do it differently. Here's how...

3.)Describe a 'sound' from your childhood. What was it? When did you hear it? What does it bring to mind?

4.) I remember when...

5.) Right now is the best time to start. What's your first step?

I didn't even get past number 2. I have no idea what the others are, because I have no need to read further.

But you do. 

So please, read on... Some, or many, of you may be able to relate to what I am going to talk about.

Others will just once again be amazed and inspired by the depth to which I can sink myself.

I just glanced up to see what the other options were, and I see that today I can include number 5. They go hand in hand, really.

In January I started going to weight watchers. By the middle of April, I had dropped 25 pounds. I felt great. I looked better than I had for a long, long time. I was active. 

My friends, I was happy.

And then I fell off the wagon. 

To those of you who haven't quite figured it out yet, we're going to delve into what makes Rhonda, and her eating disorder, tick.

I'm not bulemic. I do binge, but not purge.

Nor am I anorexic. As my mother says, you have to be a special kind of stupid to not eat. And believe you me, my entire family is clearly NOT stupid! 

But I have an eating disorder just the same. It's called having no control. 

Some have named it the "What the hell effect". 

It's wanting to take the easy way out, by not having to plan or cook. 

But in the end, being fat isn't easy.

I have bad habits that go back to my childhood. And in turn, I am teaching my children those same habits.

I'm a fast food addict.

I'm a chocolate lover.

I'm a slurpee crazed woman who will annihilate anyone who gets in her way when it comes to empty calories. (Side thought; why do they call them "empty" calories, when they are clearly so full of bad?)

I have debated telling you about what I will eat in a day, when I'm cramming like a student the night before exams. When I vow I'll get back on track the next day. But it's frightening. And embarrassing.

I have debated telling you about how much money is spent on eating out, but my husband reads this and would probably kill me. (Oops. Too late. I love you, honey.)

When I am in the middle of an eating binge, I will seriously take whatever route I have to to get the stuff I want to eat.  I will stop at a couple places if necessary. And I will make sure I eat it before I get home.

I will hate myself while I am doing it. But I will do it anyway.

I will deny how bad I have really been.  (I took my garbage bag out of my van yesterday. That was an eye opener, because I only cleaned it out six days ago. It was fully of empty wrappers. I can't believe I'm sharing this much. Clearly, though, I should "share" more!!) 

I feel crappy.  I am starting to show, in my tummy, some of the weight I am putting back on. My skin is starting to get blotchy again. 

So, why do I do it?  

Goodness knows I'm not hungry. I haven't been hungry in weeks.

I don't have to be craving anything in particular.

All it takes is me.  Going into a store. Alone.

Me. Driving down the street. Alone.

Me. Home. Alone.

I'm going to try again to get back on track.  I have worked too hard to just gain this weight back in a month, especially when it took me four months to lose it!!  

I don't want to go back to hiding when I see someone I know. I want to hold my head high and greet them, not try to hurry by and feign surprise when they call me over.

I don't want to wear shirts that are three sizes too big.  I don't want to wear underwear that resemble circus tents.

I know I've made it sound like I've got a huge weight problem.  And I do. But I'm not hundreds of pounds overweight. At this point, I'm probably only about another 25 pounds over what the world says is my top number for my height. It's really quite attainable. 

But right now, it seems like a mountain I have to climb. A marathon I have to run. 

And sometimes I feel really unprepared.

But tomorrow, I will start posting back on my private blog. I'll make myself accountable again at Weight Watchers, and here. 

With you guys.  

My blog friends.


Amy said...

I am trying to lose weight too. I am not super overweight either just need to lose some extra pounds and I fell off the wagon last year as well and have struggled ever since. I feel ya and I am rallying behind you, sending positive vibes - You will succeed.

Angel said...

I think that it took a lot of courage for you to say this. I wish you the very best of luck and just remember that you have all of us in the blog world standing behind you every step of the way.

Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy said...

You are a shero.

Wow... that was a lot of stuff you put out there...

Brava!! Brava!!

CJ said...

Wonderful, heartfelt post. I, too, struggle with self control. I just posted (in my response to Mama Kat) several photos of me when I was, literally, about half the woman I am now. Best of luck to you.

Betty said...

Good for you! You made the first step and I´m sure you'll make the second and third.....and then it get´s easier (ok, no it doesn´t, who am I kidding)!
I know exactly what you are writing about, going through the same feelings! Except I can´t even take that first step....
You go girl!

Trudy said...

Wow, talk about baring your soul, thanks for sharing that Rhonda! I have weight to lose as well and have been on and off the WW wagon for years (currently off). I wish you the best of luck on your journey and I know you will be successful!

Jaime said...

i'm trying to lose weight too. some days it's easier than others to be good about what i eat. other days, i have no concept of the amount of crap i shovel in my mouth. best of luck to you.

MilesPerHour said...

as an addiction counselor, binging is considered a problem just as is daily overuse/abuse. Accept the problem and the powerless you have over food, but remember that it's pkay to feed your cravings once a week or so. (unlike an alcoholic) If you examine your binges I am sure that some perceived negative feelings are at the core. I don't mean to be a blog counselor and hope you don't take offense.

Check out the 12 Steps of AA and replace the word alcohol with food. Check out overeaters anonymous. You don't have to be obese to have a problem, one which you can address and conquer.

kisatrtle said...

You can do it! Oh yes you can!

Amy said...

Well, the first step in solving a problem is admitting that there is one, so you are on your way.

If you did it before, you can do it again!

I need to lose about 15-20 pounds and it's so hard. I started a diet and it lasted all of 2 weeks, but I LOVE to eat! Who doesn't?

Good luck and keep at it!

Ronda's Rants said...

I was NOT kidding when I said Pilates was like a drug for me...
It helped me...put me first!
I don't know the answer but you are not alone in this struggle...not alone!
I am off for my walk as I ate poorly yesterday...but today is a new day! :)

Heatherlyn said...

You can do it! One of my bloggy friends posted the most inspiring entry about weight loss, it also applies to life generally. It's really long, but well worth the read. ! I hope you really do start today! Life is so short. It's worth it whatever it takes to be completely happy with yourself!

Kelly said...

That took a lot for you to let it all hang out like that! I admire that courage.

wy-not said...

Hey my girl. Good on you. And now you have the support of your blog friends - every single day. You know that I can offer no counsel. But as Ronda says, today IS a new day. Today there is a whole new chance. And just so you know, I love you just the way you are, at any weight, at any time.

Rhonda said...

Blogland is an amazing place. With a wonderful support system.

Every time I am tempted to cut out this blogging for lack of time or energy, I think I will return to the comments in this post.

Thanks so much everyone!!

Shawn said...

Me too...oh too.

I have got to do something about my weight and while I'm not sure what the 'charts' say about me, I know I actually need to lose about 60 pounds to be where I need to be.


Erin said...

Stopping by from MamaKat's....
Great Post....I laughed so hard at it takes a special kind of stupid HA! That's great. I had a friend just recently tell me that I have "no self control" because I want to lose another 15lbs and I ate a cookie....but don't worry, you'll do great! you did it before, you can do it again!
Keep your chin up!

Melissa said...

Good luck on jumping back on the wagon... I know how hard it is to stick to something like that...especially when it involves food!! :)

wy-not said...

Rhonda. Everybody. Go back up to Heatherlyn's comment. Go to her friend's speech. Take the time to read it. You owe it to yourself. Pay particular attention to the analogy about making a U-turn. It's brilliant. In case you need to see it again, the address is - Go Now. I am inspired.

Lilly said...

Rhonda I love your honesty. You are saying what a lot of us feel. I am the same. Its emotional eating and maybe its worth looking into. You will do it again, you have proved you can. You really want to and are going to otherwise you wouldnt have done this. Bravo!!!

LeAnna said...

WOW, what a post! Such honesty. I found you through Momma Kats blog and had to comment. Maybe you should try and make smaller goals (like 5 and 10 pounds) that way everytime you reach them you can feel a since of accompliment and set the next one. Tell yourself you can have a "treat" each time you reach a mini goal, that way you dont have to TOTALLY cut out the "good food". Weight is and will be an ongoing battle but the sooner you get it conquered the better (and the better you will feel)! How awesome it is you lost 25 pounds in 4 months and dont stop there. Just think how great you will feel when you get to the next 25 pound mark! Good Luck, You can do it!!

PS I have a cooking blog where I post easy and yummy low fat recipes. Some of them I have listed the WW points.

Check out my blogs here:

Blog Stalker said...

You can do it, WEcan do it! I too just got back on the wagon. After losing 100+ lbs I let myself slip back into bad habits....mostly...surprise...when I was alone.......and gained 35 lbs back....
I really thought I would never let that happen.....but with stress is quite easy.

Good luck Girl!

Have a great day! (one success at a time)