My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

My life in pictures, stories and open letters.
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Sunday, February 01, 2009

I Don't Get It.

No, this post is not about my sex life. Or, more accurately, Leon's.

A quick warning for all of my Christian friends:

You do NOT want to read this post today. 

I may swear.

And I may be downright offensive.

Because I'm feeling a little bit nasty today.


I was away from blogging for a couple of days to tend to my life. The life that I've been overwhelmed with lately. Everything hits at once. I know I'm not alone in this. It is the season for tournaments and competitions and championships and all sorts of crazy, let's see how much the parent's can take before they snap completely, schedules.

That isn't the reason I will complain and offend today, though.

It's this.



Meet Tuesday. 
Tuesday full of grace. 
Tuesday is two years old.  
Tuesday is battling cancer.

I've only been reading about Tuesday for the past few months or so.  But let me tell you, this sweet little girl touched my soul.

I read while they were anticipating her full remission.

I cried when they found a new tumor.

I don't pray, but I was definitely thinking of them all while she went through chemo. Again.

I was shocked when there was nothing more they could do. Her mother wrote that it was time to take her home

That was January 28/29.

I completely lost it when I returned to blogland to find that she had died on January 30.

I cried for about 20 minutes. Gut-wrenching sobs for this little girl. For her family.

And then I got mad.  I got pissed right off.

The way someone with not a whole lot of faith does when a child suffers.

I hope that there is a Heaven. I really do.  I hope it looks like a great big McDonald's Playland.

See. That's my version of faith. It's hope. 

Hope that there something out there a whole site better that this shithole. 

It's hope that Tuesday is no longer suffering.

It's hope that her mother gets to hold her again, happy and painless.

Let's be real for a minute though, shall we?

I'm not going to be stroking any heavenly egos and glorifying God and lifting up thanks that she is now in the loving arms of Jesus.

That little girl SHOULD be in the loving arms of her MOTHER.

God will get her in due time, but she was needed here. Now.

If He's all that great, why on earth do these little people suffer? Don't give me any free will bullshit, or Adam and Eve crap. I don't buy it.

I think people say what they think will justify the moment.

Nothing justifies this.

Nothing justifies a God sitting up on His little cloud watching while a child is tied to a bathtub faucet for 10 years.

Nothing justifies looking on while there is sexual abuse of any kind being done to a child. 

Nothing justifies a little person knowing cancer and pain as the norm in their life. 

If that's the kind of love God doles out to his "children", I don't want it.

Thanks anyway.

For anyone who lives in the area, here are the plans for the celebration of wee Tuesday's life.
Saturday, February 7th at 11:00 am
Colorado Horse Park
7522 South Pinery Drive
Parker, CO 80134

16 comments:

Lilly's Life said...

Its so sad Rhonda so terribly sad. Not much I can say. I dont understand at all. I hope one day we can.

Ronda's Rants said...

I am so sorry...nothing offends me more than a child dying or suffering! I think God suffers when we suffer! You have every right to your feelings and people with huge amounts of faith feel this way, too or at least I do! I know God loves us (period) and I don't know why these things happen but I know God doesn't cause it but I do struggle with why He allows it! But...God is in that struggle for me to understand!Every shitty thing that happens...God is there with us in the midst of it, helping us to understand! God cares what we care about! I pray for that young Mommy to feel God's love and comfort because I can't imagine her pain...I pray for you Rhonda...you are such a sweet tender hearted person and I know you are hurting, too!
I am so sorry, thanks for letting us know!

careysue said...

I am so sorry for that little baby and her family. You're right it shouldn't be and I totally agree with you God didn't take her it just happens.

I'll be thinking of you today as well. (((((HUGS))))))

Modern Day Housewife said...

Very sad story. Like you, my faith is hope. I have to believe or at least hope during times like these, that there is something else out there. Otherwise, how could I possibly cope if heaven forbid something happened to anyone in my family. I had the toughest time with this when I was 12 and my father died. Thank you for sharing what a lot of us are thinking but never say.

wy-not said...

Hi honey. I understand your anger today. Better yet, God understands it too. Remember that we are not just chess pieces on God's big old chessboard. Disease happens, and bad people happen and God just gives us the strength and the support to keep on going. We can't understand the reason because there isn't one. But I think what God usually does is find a way to help us see that something good can come from somebody's pain. Somewhere, today, somebody's faith is stronger, somebody else has found the ability to cry, somebody else is holding their daughters a little bit tighter. Maybe, for now, in this world, that has to be enough for us. My heart is bleeding for this little girl and for the family who will miss her desperately. Please pray for Daniel today too. His second round of chemo starts this morning.

Veggie Mom said...

The pain is worse when a child suffers. When a child dies, the pain is just about unbearable. I've had issues before with the mystery of faith. Your post is both poignant and real; perhaps some day we'll get a justification for all that's wrong in this world.

angie said...

I've been reading about Tuesday for a few days now. Breaks my heart. What a sad, sad loss.

Betty said...

Hi Rhonda! I wish I could give you a big long hug! I had not read about this little girl, but I can feel your pain. Like your mom wrote, we don´t know the reason for this senseless suffering, but maybe some day we will find out why. I hope you can still believe that God is a loving God and that he will give this family the strength to get through this.

Candid Carrie said...

Well, girl. Sometimes shit just happens.

Having lost a seven year old daughter I believe I get to weigh in on this one.

I am far enough removed from that point in time to realize that although I lost only one daughter I have been able to help many many many women deal with their loss.

I would not have been able to do that if I had not experienced the pain first hand.

And I have the knowledge that life does go on. And I have the ability to reassure others.

You will feel better. I know you will.

jill jill bo bill said...

Two Words: The Shack
Three Words: I love you
Two more words: Read the book
Three more words: see number one.
Four words: I really love you

Buddha's Place said...

Ditto on jjbb's comment...I'm sorry you had to endure this. It sucks! And your mom is one smart cookie.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I don't get it, either. So sad.

Bethany said...

I'm another one who just doesn't get it-- what a doll. The earth is a sadder place today.

Kelly said...

I mirror your thoughts EXACTLY!!! I don't understand any of it and a mama should not be without her daughter!

Kelly said...

I mirror your thoughts EXACTLY!!! I don't understand any of it and a mama should not be without her daughter!

Kelly said...

I mirror your thoughts EXACTLY!!! I don't understand any of it and a mama should not be without her daughter!