I googled some jokes for you fine people. I actually found the top joke in each country. I'll pick out a few. Here we go:
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years. It's the least I could do."
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, under water, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees.
The Russions used a pencil.
(Not real bright, are we?)
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking verymuch worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor??"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first one again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other say, "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
(Sadly, I'm totally cool with all this, but were they seriously sharing a bar stool? Weird.")
Top joke everywhere:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guys whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead!! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"