My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

My life in pictures, stories and open letters.

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Saturday, October 18, 2008

The End Of My Rope...

I've had a bit of a rough year.  Rough by my standards.  I have made blog friends who have truly had some troubling times, and I don't even pretend to think that I've got it so bad. No one in my family is battling cancer, or infertility, unemployment or bankruptcy. 

Today is just me taking a moment to complain and to worry. To have about 17 different emotions all wrapped up in one great big self.

Leon was doing his thing for a few years, trying to get into the Fire Department. In February we said good-bye to money and hello to Happy Leon. It was a great trade off, or one that I know deep down will eventually be great. But financially? Yup. It sucks.

In April I was hit by a car while riding my bike home from work. I stood on the corner and waited for the light, made eye contact, and proceeded across the street in the crosswalk. I noticed the guy I was certain I had made eye contact with still a'comin, and turned to look at him.  He was turning right and looking out his window at the oncoming traffic for an opening to go. It was at that point I knew that if he saw a break in traffic, then I would be hit. I had just gotten started, uphill, in a hard gear, so there was no way I could move fast enough. And suddenly I was flying through the air, and landed about 10 feet away in the lane of oncoming traffic, right in front of the bus he was trying to beat. 

Several witnesses stopped to offer to call an ambulance. The driver offered to call one. I declined. I wasn't hurt, short of my ass and hand, and seriously just wanted to go home, but my bike was toasted. Another witness came up and said "An ambulance is on its way."  I asked him to please cancel it, I was fine, besides I had no insurance and couldn't pay for it.  He refused to cancel it. The ambulance attendants came up to me, and I put up my hands and said "It's okay, I'm fine. I'm okay!" They, of course, saw the opportunity to totally screw someone over, and said that they would still just like to check me over if I didn't mind. I did mind. But at this point, I was just wanting to go home so badly and was not thinking clearly and followed them.

The police told the guy that hit me that it would be really nice of him to pay for the repairs for my bike, as he had agreed, but that he didn't have to.  Car insurance would be on his side because I got on my bike to ride across the street. Isn't that nice? 

And wouldn't you know that I got a bill for $250, over and above the $150 my bike cost me (the guy that hit me didn't pay it), because they checked my blood pressure? I was floored. I wrote them and said that I refused their services four times and had no intention of paying this bill.  They took advantage of the situation, and could clearly see that I was fine.

So they sent the matter to collections.  I sent them a letter and explained very politely what happened.  I asked if they were provided with services that they had refused four times, but the company went ahead and provided the service anyway, would they expect to have to pay?  I think not.

So now this "matter" is on its way to court. I have had visions of the court room battle and the judge siding with the city, because really, the "justice" system is just as corrupt as politics and the judge is clearly bending over for someone and will make me pay.

I then, in my little dream, ask the judge if freedom of speech applies in his court room. When he says yes, then I say "Good, because I think you are a stupid asshole with your lips wrapped snugly around someone's ......"

Then I write the City of Edmonton (AKA see what I said to the judge above) a cheque made out to "The Stupid Effin (insert proper word there) City of Edmonton" with the amount being "$250 more than their worth". 

And then I proceed to blog about the stupid asses that make up our stupid ass government until I get arrested.

Doesn't that sound like fun?  

But then I factored in that I may lose some of you. So I won't blog about them daily. Not for long, anyway.

Then there is the fact that I hate my job. Yup. Huge factor.

There is the fact that I have worked multiple jobs for three years now and have hit a major burn out. And don't have a single red penny to my name.  This could be why my hair is now the colour of a shiny new penny.  At least now I feel like I'm worth SOMETHING! And now I'm down to one job. It's going to be a long hard winter at our house this year.

Last, is the ordeal of raising an angry, physically aggressive, mean and irrational teenage daughter. I know what you are all thinking. They are all like that. I'm sure some are. But this one is different.  I remember being a teenager. I remember being mean and irrational and angry and self-pitying sometimes.  Mine is like that ALWAYS! I'm at my end. And today, I totally lost it. If I could have caught her, she would have been a dead, angry, irrational, mean teenager. I was THAT angry. I even threatened, and would seriously consider, foster care. I don't know how much more of her this family can handle.  She told me that she has planned to kill herself four times. I responded, totally emotionlessly with, "Yeah, what teenage girl HASN'T???" She tells me that she has even cut her wrists and pushes her wrist into my face. My family has experienced suicide before, so really, shouldn't I feel SOMETHING at this point? 

I think I need a little padded room. And crazy person drugs. Lots of them. 

Okay. I'm done.  For those of you who hung around, thank you for "listening". But I'm glad today's tirade happened on a Saturday, when I think many of you take time off blogging. 

I'll try not to do this often.

I do hope your weekend is going well, and that if you are raising teenagers yourselves, that you are doing a better job than I am.


Lilly's Life said...

Well its important to get things off your chest and share them with someone. We all go through the bad stuff and often keep it to ourselves which can even be more damaging.

Is there a counsellor at your daughter's school who could help do you think? Seems like you are going through a lot with her and while they all can be hard to deal with at this age its not good if she is threatening suicide etc.

You need to be supported by someone not a little padded room. I wish I could help. People tell you it gets better but the fact is you need some help dealing with it now I think.

Take care and I really do hear what you are saying.

jill jill bo bill said...

I was where you are today about 2 months ago. Only not anywhere near as bad. I never exercise, so unless a car comes thru my LR and hits me on the couch, I am good. But I hate my job and am burnt out. I have had to sue my business partners and probably won't win. They haven't paid me for 12 months. Long story. And I had my sexually insane neice living with us for 3 years. I was able to let her go back to her mother, but she did lots of damage to our family. The suicide thing is very manipulative and yet shouldn't be taken lightly. And boys threaten it, too. Is there a youth minister that she likes? A youth group she can get involved in? I say that not to push you to church, but there it takes the focus off of them and on to something bigger. All my kids benefitted from it. My 13 year old is the hardest one yet, so I am holding my breath and praying I don't kill her before she turns 20. Email me if you want to talk more. I love you and hate that you are going through this. We are all here for you and I will have to depend on you one day for your advice or bail money. One or the other. Don't kick yourself. Set boundries and do not let her get by with anything. Hang in there! Seriously, email me.

wy-not said...

I so agree with both of the comments above. My beautiful little girl has so much to offer to the world, a big heart and a tender nature, if she can get past that terrible aggressive anger. Is there a youth pastor at your church, honey? I think that's a great relationship to foster. Don't forget to remind Asia that she is loved and valued beyond words. I think she sometimes forgets that. I love you all, and I hate it when you're hurting.

Ronda's Rants said...

Rhonda...I am so sorry...I understand debt and court room drama...I have my own business! I get through it by remembering that they can't eat me!! They can take all my things but's only things!
I turn it over to God...I just try to be honest as I can.
My oldest son is 29 and is the father to my two beautiful grandchildren...he was not an easy teenager and neither was my daughter...I say this because you can get through the other side! I honestly think the kids turned out fine but I worried myself silly over them and what they were doing! But both of you can get through can...really!
Is Asia still blogging?
Please know...everyone finds this all difficult every now and one finds this all easy! We all just do the best we can...and I think you are doing great! You are talented and smart and have a beautiful family...start there! You are in my prayers love!
Sending hugs and love, Ronda

Shan said...

You must be my brother from another mother. I too have had a teen from hell to deal with, mine has actually survived to the age of 20 so far and may even grow older than that but only because she no longer lives at home. That alone is enough BS for one person to handle, big hugs to you, big big squishy, squeezy hugs.

BoufMom9 said...

Oh no. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. So much on your plate. Don't belittle it and make it like it's less than others are dealing with, because to you, it's not a little issue. You need to vent, to get it out, so do it.
I hope that writing it down helps and you can find some release through that.

amelia bedelia said...

My gosh. I REALLY do understand what you are going thru right now with your teenager. I have one myself. My 18 yr old is exactly how you explained your daughter. The only diffence is, mine left, quit school, and just left. I lived with his anger and threatening to kill himself for over a year. I have no answers. I wish I did. I tried everything for him....boot camp, medicine, alternative school,counseling....I will tell you that I felt so much guilt for months, that I had allowed him to leave. But he is learning hard lessons...and I can only pray that one day he will realize he made a mistake. I don't know what or how you can handle her. I will be keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

AVT Coach said...

I read this with a heavy heart for your situation. We too had difficulty with our youngest daughter. I agree with Ronda's Rants. I can add one resource to the comments. We used the book Parenting with Love and Logic for Teens as our bible for many years. It is written by Jim Fay and is a good solid method of relating that keeps anger from escalating and puts your child in the position to make choices that you guide. You can probably find this at your library. There is also a web site:
that might help you some.
Hang in there, I will say a prayer for you tonight.

Mamahut said...

Everybody pretty much said what I was thinking. My oldest is 12 and he has his ups and downs, but nothing quite as drastic as what you are going through. My older sister and my little sister tried to committ suicide when they were 14 and 16. As their sister I was terrified and I can't imagine being the parent, but I'm sure you remember the stories of my mother. I know, even though I don't know you that you are a kind and caring mom. If you weren't you wouldn't be worried about her. She is pushing your buttons because she wants something...I have no idea what though. I know I am absolutely no help. Your kind words helped me through my really bad days this summer, and I will never forget them. Please email me too if I can just give you another set of ears or eyes :) Take care and try to have a good weekend...maybe a beer or a glass of wine for you or the daughter???

Anita J. said...

Rhonda I have been through the death of a loved one and the stroke of another and the upheaval of life as we know it...and I have also been through depression during a time when I was dealing with nothing like the things this year has brought.

You can't discount the things that are squeezing the life out of you. It is nearly impossible to have patience when there is no peace inside. Do you have anyone you can sit with face to face and take care of Rhonda?

Anita J. said...

I may be totally off, but you sound like a woman of strength who has put herself last for too long! If you have time, glance at the account of the potter's house (somewhere around Jeremiah 18). My middle child was playing with clay yesterday and it kept breaking. She was so frustrated with what she thought was defective clay! When I told her she would have to warm it in her hands by working with it, I thought of the account of the potter in Jeremiah. God has been reminding me of that a LOT lately. Just thought I would share what He is using to get through my thick skull. I hope it helps.

careysue said...

Oh boy do I feel your pain and frustration...I am so sorry you're going through all of this, it seems to hit all at once.

Please know I am here you can email me...whatever it takes. I too have been through the suicide thing not with my kids but with my brother...

Our dog was hit and killed and we had to pay the lady for her car and she was speeding! I know it's not anything compared to you getting hit but the ass-hole could of paid for your bike!! I glad you weren't hurt!

Tomorrow is another and this will pass, but know you have all of us out here thinking and praying for better and easier times for you. :)

Take care.

AndBabyWillMake4 said...

If you can't vent in your own blog, where can you vent? I think it's therapeutic and ok to do it when you need it. Honestly, if someone is appalled by it, they don't have to read it!

I am sorry to see you are going through some tough times and I can only send good thoughts your way that the winter isn't so bad and your daughter begins to mellow out and tell you what's wrong instead of acting the way she does!

Betty said...

I´m so sorry for the way things are going with your daughter! It is a really hard age to get through and I have no advice to give you. Just know that I am thinking of you and will be praying for it to get easier!
And I know what you mean about the job thing. I hate my job too and don´t know what to do about it. Know one wants to hire almost 50 year olds....

InfertileMadWoman said...

I have a 17year old with a penis who is so self absorbed I think he might implode some days!!!

Hang in there girl she will get it sooner or later!!!

Hugs on your bad day!!!

I still love ya!!!


Meaghan said...

Wow sounds like a very difficult time! I totally hear you on how F up our health care system and "collections" is. I had health insurance and then got sick. The second they heard Cancer they dropped me. they made crazy allegations & forced me to fight with them while i was fighting for my life. Surprise surprise they won!

Then...the doctors that misdiagnosed me for two months, treated me terribly and almost killed me are chasing me for money. Calling all day and night and sending me to collections.

Its pretty money money thats all anyone cares about.

I had 3b cervical cancer, 20% chance of living and they still harassed me!

Sorry you are going through a rough spot! It will get better...I promise :)


wy-not said...

Honey, I lit a candle for you in church this morning and asked the congregation to pray for peace and love and joy in your household. You are all in our prayers. Is there anything I can do? Call me and let me know, okay?

Ronda's Rants said...

Oh I love your Mom's words sweet! I just came to check on you...look at all the friends Rhonda!!! This is genuine...because you are the real deal!

angie said...


I'm so sorry I missed this on the day you published it. I am so glad that you trust us enough to share with us the struggles of your life......which are very real and BIG and make for hard times for YOU. I'm thinking of you. Sending BIG hugs your way. BIG ones! :)

P.S. I thought that health care was taken out of your taxes?

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Wow, you do have a ton on your plate. You have every right to feel overwhelmed. I hope everything gets better for you. I wish I had advice, but I have a 15 year old son who gives me all of my gray hairs...not as bad as what you're dealing with, but still, extremely trying.

Lindsay said...

I think it is a shame that all people seem to care about is money. It isn't about your health or well-being, it's about someone's bottom line. I pray that things improve for you and your family.

I wish I had words of advice for you about your daughter, but I'm not all THAT far removed from my teenage years myself. It definitely might be worth talking to someone independent of the situation to get some advice.

I appreciate you visiting my blog today. I hope that things start to improve!

Sending love and prayers your way!