Hear ye! Hear ye!
For all of those who (think they) will be receiving aplenty from me once I pass, listen up!
You're a fool.
I have a really busy week ahead and may not make it through. It will end with a soccer weekend in Calgary, so at least I'll die happy.
My First Will & Testament
For my beautiful children, I leave my debt. You caused it anyway, so it seems only fair.
Cassie, dear, darling middle child (insert surprise here at being named first!) you can have my computer. You are clearly the most addicted and act just a wee bit like your cranky sister when you are told to shut it down. But at least that is about the only time you're cranky ... unlike your sister, The Victim.
Asia, my freak of nature first child, beat of my heart (I knew I lost something when you were born), I leave to you my phones. Our house phone, which unfortunately does not text, and my cell phone, which is a cheap ass piece of crap and probably doesn't text either. But on a positive note, you can have a phone to each ear and text away on your own at the same time. You're welcome.
Liv. My sweet, sweet Liv. There is nothing left for you. I am depleted. I got zilch. Oh, wait!! You can have the TV, and the broken DVD player. Aren't you lucky? I'll also let you keep your thumb. Just do me a favour and cease the sucking on it by the time you join me in heaven in 93 years. Yes, I have it from a very good source that you will live to the ripened old age of 98. Can I get a woot woot for you?!
Leon. I'm sorry. I gave away everything to your girls. You will now have to ask THEM for permission to use any of them. Oh, and you can have the van. And the entire garage!! Won't that be a treat? Yes, you can have the entire bed to yourself too. For the rest of your life. I vow here and now to haunt any female that thinks she can take over in my place.
Oh, but wait. She would be so much less a woman, when compared to moi, that you would clearly see how incredibly awesome I was. Go ahead and date her. But she can't get in my bed. And she sure as shit can't have my pillow. Nor can she have your pillow. Unless she can rip it from under your head with the same gusto I can. Then all the power to her. Oh, and as a favour to me, please don't date the homewrecker chick you met the other day. Even though she is cute. She is WAY too young for you. In fact, she may even get people (Lilly) judging you as a pedophile. Gross.
My dog, Ringo. I leave you hungry, thirsty and sorely neglected. I know. What else is new? I actually do have one thing for you. My side of the bed. Spoon with Daddy. He quite likes that. Your back to his front. Anything else is just weird.
One last note to you all. Miss me terribly. Don't ever quite get over me. Speak of me (nicely) often. Cry every night into your pillows.
Girls, be bitchy to your new mom. Especially if it is the husband chaser. You'll totally love her on the inside, I know, but outward bitch is what I'm specifically looking for. And replace all of her little thongs with (my) granny panties. I'll be laughing in heaven right along with you.
Good-bye. Farewell. I'm off to the bigger soccer field in the sky!